The Morning Sh*t — A TL;DR Summary of Jalopnik for 2/1/2018

"Ash78, voting early and often" (ash78) 02/01/2018 at 11:01 • Filed to: Taketheoutsideline, Satire

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Welcome to The Morning Sh*t ! Grab a new roll, it’s a 10-Wiper.

1 st Gear : Ford jumping on compact crossover bandwagon. Apparently there are people in America for whom the Escape is just too much to handle, but they won’t buy a Focus.

2 nd Gear : Daimler profits limited by electrification and autonomous tech investment. Or maybe it’s the fact that they build too many different car lines. But we’ll blame the tech.

3 rd Gear : FCA didn’t just bring Italian style to America, but also Italian labor union negotiation tactics and bribery skills.

4 th Gear : German auto unions striking for big pay raise and short-term 28-hour workweek option. Germany’s Frenchification is nearly complete.

5 th Gear : Toyota has its own airbag scandal over minor shorts. If only !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! were still here, he could remove all those minor shorts.

Reverse : 120 years ago, Travelers issued the first car insurance policy. Because he was a male smoker in Hartford, Connecticut with a rear-wheel-drive convertible, the rate was astronomical.

Party-vi > Ash78, voting early and often 02/01/2018 at 11:06

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5th Gear. Oof. Take your star.

Smallbear wants a modern Syclone, local Maple Leafs spammer > Ash78, voting early and often 02/01/2018 at 11:07

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5th Gear woof

Wacko > Ash78, voting early and often 02/01/2018 at 11:08

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You should change the gears to 1 st flush, 2nd flush.....

boredalways > Ash78, voting early and often 02/01/2018 at 11:09

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“Grab a new roll, it’s a 10-Wiper.”

Too soon, bro — I home sick due to a 50.

Ash78, voting early and often > Wacko 02/01/2018 at 11:10

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Great idea, I might do that...

Wacko > Party-vi 02/01/2018 at 11:10

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Take your child star

Well MJ did that...

Wacko > Ash78, voting early and often 02/01/2018 at 11:10

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I spend too much time in the bathroom and it shows

benjrblant > Ash78, voting early and often 02/01/2018 at 11:16

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Or wipes, as you falsely advertised this was a 10-wipe edition when clearly there were only 5 line items!

HondoyotaE38: A Japanese and German Collab...wait a minute > Wacko 02/01/2018 at 11:16

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Or 1st wipe, 2nd wipe, etc..... Then flush/clog the toilet

benjrblant > Ash78, voting early and often 02/01/2018 at 11:17

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4th gear: 28 HOUR WORKWEEK?!

Dr. Zoidberg - RIP Oppo > benjrblant 02/01/2018 at 11:22

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Gimme some of that kit Kat bar

Ash78, voting early and often > benjrblant 02/01/2018 at 11:30

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2 wipes per item, naturally.

The industry had chili for dinner last night.

Ash78, voting early and often > benjrblant 02/01/2018 at 11:31

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Apparently it’s sort of like FMLA in that it’s designed for special situations, but wow.

Mercedes Streeter > Ash78, voting early and often 02/01/2018 at 11:38

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5 th Gear : Toyota has its own airbag scandal over minor shorts. If only Michael Jackson were still here, he could remove all those minor shorts.

Take my star you evil man!

wafflesnfalafel > benjrblant 02/01/2018 at 11:52

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dang... I get asking for more than what you ultimately expect but come on...

user314 > Ash78, voting early and often 02/01/2018 at 12:33

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5 th Gear : Toyota has its own airbag scandal over minor shorts. If only Michael Jackson were still here, he could remove all those minor shorts.